Disclaimer: This is complete satire: chalk full of terrible assumptions, irony, stereotypes, a bit of sexism, and totally mockery of a ludicrous (and hopefully completely fictional) image of faith, not based on any persons actual beliefs or facts but merely a collection of many many many peoples “interesting” ideals.
He Claims He Loves Fags, an Interview with God
Recent occurrences of homophobic campaigns such as the “God Hates Fags” campaign urged God to come forth and speak on the matter. He agreed to meet and discuss a couple topics revolving around the subject and clear up any discrepancies thus made. Here is what he had to say.
Hello God, how are you today?
I’m doing fairly well today. Not much left to complain about after 2934 years of existence. It all ends up alright in the end.
Good to hear. God, may I ask why you are hear to speak with us today?
Well, Timothy. That’s a very strong name under my faith, you know. I’m here to confront the issue of homophobia. Who say’s “God Hates Fags”? I sure as hell don’t and I’m God for Christ’s sake! This people are misinterpreting the bible, which was written by man, might I add, not I, and using it to spread hate. What a terrible thing to do: use my name to convey hate? I’m not as wrathful as I was in the olden days, and I don’t like to see this happen. I’m contemplating sending my son back down there to tell them that’s not what he meant.
Wow, this is news to the world. We’ve been only hearing the one side for so long. Where do you think this hatred comes from?
That’s funny you asked. Well, I know they like to teach you that God is a perfect supreme being, but the fact of the matter is that I made a mistake. God accidentally made people imperfect. It is their imperfections that lead to the insecurities that cause this hatred, which, were it up to me, would be banished from my kingdom.
So, how do you really feel about the gay people of the world?
Oh, I love them! I gave them very special gifts that I didn’t feel the heterosexual people would make very good use of. They are my favorite children in the garden. Sadly, miss heterosexual Eve had to mess that paradise up for them.
How did Eve interfere with paradise?
Yes, Eve tempted Adam, but it’s his own damned fault for listening to a woman. She was made of his rib, not the other way around.
You mentioned special gifts earlier. What gifts where you referring to?
Well, what have you seen gays do better than anyone else? Gays are the only people on this planet that can live off of vodka and the occasional drunken taco while still looking fierce and fabulous 24 hours of the day with little to no sleep. I’d call that a pretty awesome gift: you’re welcome. On top of that, I gifted them with the skills of sewing, fashion, and the arts. Find me a single heterosexual male that can do a 180 degree penché en pointe in center. You can’t because I didn’t give them that gift.
So, you’re saying that gays are sort of like the superstars of the world. Why did you choose them for this role?
Well, yes. They are most definitely the superstars, but that also comes at a very high price. In order to explain why I chose the gays to play this role, I have to let you in on a little secret: they weren’t my first choice. At first, I tried Adam and Eve. I gave them everything their hearts desired. But, at some point in the existence of the universe, but near the beginning, I was bored. Things running perfectly all the time left no entertainment for me. So, I had to put the two lovely beings that they were, to the test. I’m going to be perfectly honest, but I kinda expected a bit more out of them. They failed the first test I gave them. I thought it was so easy: why would you want the forbidden fruit if you didn’t need it, but had everything you wanted anyways. There wasn’t even anything special about that tree. It was just one of the damn old apple trees that grew apart from the rest in the garden. Adam 2.0 and Steve, on the other hand, didn’t fall for this funny little trick. Adam 2.0 and Steve saw the forbidden fruit and knew that they wanted better, so they went out and made better. It was this day on that I saw the competitive nature of the same-sex couple drove them to excellence: perfect specimens for my gifts.
Wow, that is quite the story. Why didn’t that end up in the Bible?
Like I told you, it was written by men, and heterosexual men at that. They are flawed. It is woe. Well, thank you for letting me speak today. It was a pleasure.
Thank you, God, for your words today.